I remember a time when meeting someone who was just as damaged was a bit of a relief. Everyone walking…
In the summer of 2014, I set out to interview cheaters. Men, women, bi, gay, straight, black, white, young, old, doctors, and students. I sent out questionnaires and received over 50 responses. Along with almost 20 in-person interviews, I set out to write a book getting to the core of why and how people are so promiscuous. The responses were shocking. Some of the responses were so heartbreaking, I wouldn’t feel right putting that kind of alarmist journalism back out into the world. I gained some valuable insight into the world of infidelity and found that it is rarely as simple as it seems.
Below is an small excerpt from an interview that I conducted with someone that responded to an ad I posted on Craigslist. A straight man in his early 30s with a relatively successful career in engineering that met me downtown for a 30 minute interview. He agreed to meet me on his lunch break and was not compensated outside of the coffee I bought for him. He never told me his name.
Him: Oh, I cheat all the time. Probably as much as I can. You wouldn’t believe in the amount of ass I can pull in on a weekend when my lady is out of town.
Me: Is it easier when she leaves?
Him: Kinda. But dude, I have always pulled a lot of ass since I was in college but when she is gone, I can at least bring them back to our place.
Me: So where do you meet these women?
Him: Hubbard Street, mostly. Lots of suburban chicks come down here on the weekend and impressed with a guy who lives downtown that’s why it’s easier if my lady is gone.
Me: So what about when she is home?
Him: I rarely let my lady come out with me. I’ll throw her a bone every now and then and let her hang with me and my boys that I know won’t drop (tell) on me. But that’s what you have to do is to let her come out with you every now and then so you can show her that you’re not a dog even if you really are one. It’s about keep that appearance, ya know? You can’t just walk around all gorilla and shit and expect her to trust you. That’s the game, ya know? You have to make her trust you if you really want to get away with shit. So I have her out every now and then and she knows the names of my friends and even some of my side pieces. They (the other women) don’t care, they think it’s funny. Chicks dig on the adventure. Any woman who tells you she isn’t into the bad boy thing is a fucking liar. They all like it on some level.
Me: So how do you get her to trust you?
Him: You do all the shit right. You take them to dinner, you bring them around your friends, you take them to the clubs, but only the clubs you don’t usually go to with your boys. That’s the key to this shit. You can’t let the worlds get too close. My lady knows I love her, but I still fuck other chicks.
Me: What do you think it would take for you not to cheat?
Him: I don’t know but if there is something out there I haven’t found it. My lady is a dime, she’s got a fat job, and she treats me good, ya know? But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want new pussy. It’s a chase. I want to see if I can pull the hottest chick in the club. Sometimes you strike out but that’s part of the game but sometimes you walk out of there and get to bang it out.
Me: Do you feel guilty about it?
Him: Fuck no. I never have. I couldn’t imagine not fucking other chicks. I fuck and walk away, what’s done is done. I don’t look back. If it was good and she seems like she won’t drop on me, then I’ll hit again. You can usually tell who those chicks are. They’re all crazy but you just don’t want em to drop by your place or blow up your phone all night cause that’s obviously the kind of shit that gets you caught up. Always keep your shit (phone) on silent and put the sides under fake names. But fucking other chicks doesn’t have anything to do with my lady. I fuck them but I go back to her. It’s easy getting away with it. All you have to do is have all of your shit straight. Like, I have an excuse for everything. She knows some of my friends are chicks so that would explain the perfume on my clothes or hair ties in my car. Me and my dude have a code where if I send him a text saying, “Cubs game 11pm-3am.” That means I told my lady I was with him last night from 11pm-3am, you see? The thing is you have to make it sound believable. It can’t sound rehearsed. It’s got to just roll, ya know? You can’t be all like *stiffens up* “Uh, yeah, I was out with Scott last night. You believe me right?” You got to say that shit like it’s the truth. You say that shit like it really happened. You have to believe it’s the truth so you believe that shit yourself, ya know? That’s how you get away with all of this shit. You have to believe your lies but how do you do it and not get caught is you have to make them want to believe your lies. You know when someone knows you’re lying but they want to believe you. That’s the level you have to get to. Anyone can throw out some bullshit and hope they don’t get caught. You got to say it like it’s the damn truth and even if she knows you’re bullshitting, she still wants to believe you. That’s when you know you achieved some serious game.