Red Flags And Small Men

— April 18, 2015

Our lives only seem easy in retrospect. When I look back at my life I would like to think it has been relatively easy. Oh sure, I suppose I have been through a lot but when someone asks me about my childhood, I generally have only positive things to say despite the abuse and loss I experienced. I guess it really just depends upon your outlook. It would be too easy to say that most people have either positive or negative outlooks, because it really depends upon our mental state, how many of our dragons we are currently battling, and if there is hope in our future. But yes, I would like to think I have had a generally positive life – even if it seems like my world is always on fire.

The one thing I realized from meeting so many people on tours, dates, and anonymously submitted questions is that none of us can do this alone. I pride myself on being able to handle my stresses but on occasion, I ask select people for advice or an ear to vent. Sometimes I just need a different perspective and sometimes I just want someone to help me carry the load, even if it is for 15 minutes over coffee. Because that is the purpose friends and family serve. If we are there for them when they need us, then we should allow them to be there for us when WE need them as well. Follow me? I guess what I’m really trying to say is that, it’s okay to ask for advice and it’s okay to ask for help because none of us are strong enough to handle everything that has been thrown at us over time. Some of us simply make it look easier than others.

I like being there for my friends. I like knowing that I contribute to their happiness because that makes me happy. Knowing that I still serve a purpose, however minimal, in their lives. Because few things bring me more pleasure than knowing I helped lighten someone’s load. And if I could make them see things differently or just smile, then my job as a friend is done.

I often receive texts from my friends asking for candid advice and I do what I can with my limited resources and my head full of ideas. Most of the time what I say goes in one ear and out the other, but I know some of what I throw helps fill the gaps.

She texted me and said, “I just slept with a guy I was interested in and afterward he sent a text telling me that I was easy. That was the last thing he said to me and now he’s not texting me back. Who does something like that?”

My initial reaction was one of anger. She is an amazing woman and spectacularly beautiful, and to know that some small man was attempting to shame her for her sexuality made me want to go find him, sit him down, and tell him all the things his parents should have beat into his head on how to treat people. But it wasn’t about my anger, it was about reassuring my friend. I told her that men with such deep-rooted damage can not go any length of time without showing their true colors. It’s the one benefit of terrible people – give them enough rope and soon enough, they’ll hang themselves. Shitty people have a tough time holding in their shitty behavior and they will start waving their red flags if you give them enough time. The sad part is that by time they pull out the flags, so many of us do our best to pretend we don’t see them.

There are people who are so damaged that they are absolutely ruined beyond repair. So ruined that the only way they know how to deal with their damage is to push it off on to others. And the easiest way to do this is to find the most susceptible targets, and those are usually the ones who love them the most. They interpret our kindness and generosity and faith as weakness and they take advantage of it. Master manipulators can smell an easy target a mile away. They look for our enthusiasm and our vulnerability and they do what they can to make us feel bad for ever believing in them. They hurt us by making us feel stupid and naive for ever trusting them in first place. And when we come back for more, all that does is reassure those terrible people that they can continue this behavior until we eventually find the strength to walk away. Which is usually after we have been good and wrecked as well. But that is their plan. To ruin everything good that comes their way. And you are too good for that nonsense. It’s just a matter of understanding your self-worth.

So I told her that he was clearly waving his flags and that she needed to turn and run, not walk, away from him. He viewed himself so poorly that after they had sex, he caused her to feel guilty for playing her part in something he was equally involved in. But the worst part was the fact that she took his criticism to heart. And none of us should take the criticism of weak-minded and malicious people to heart. Before you get upset or begin to feel shamed for your sexuality, take a look at the source. Is this someone you respect? Is this someone who has a healthy sense of self? What are they putting back into this world? Then ask yourself if you should give any credibility or validity to their words. Because there is no substance in the hateful words of vapid and uninspiring people. And the biggest tragedy would be to see your light be snuffed out by the weakness of small men.

About author

Christopher Gutierrez

Christopher Gutierrez is the author of several books on love, sex, and relationships. He also hosts a weekly podcast, The Deep End, in addition to running Deadxstop Publishing. Since 2006, he has given hundreds of speakings at colleges, coffee houses and universities all over the world.