I remember a time when meeting someone who was just as damaged was a bit of a relief. Everyone walking…
I have always maintained the the key to a happy life is the ability to continue to evolve. Stagnancy is a killing ground for hope and we all need something to look forward to. When we become comfortable, when we accept that this is all we get out of life, it becomes difficult to see anything outside of our little window. How we avoid this is the desire to look for other windows, learn about new things, and invest in people. It is the ambition to continue to move in a forward direction despite the roadblocks others have thrown in front of us.
But there is a difference between evolution and change. And many of us tend to find ourselves in relationships that manipulate us into suppressing our character to appease the demands of someone we believe is in love with us. Now, sure, I could tell you all about how no one who truly loves you and cares about your happiness would never have the desire to crush your spirit but I’m sure you already know this. Or maybe you don’t. Maybe no one ever told you that anyone who attempts to crush your spirit is not good for you. But it’s true. No good and healthy person would ever ask you to suppress your essence because that is your fire. And we fall in love with a person’s fire – and you have to ask yourself, what kind of monster would want to extinguish what makes you you?
Plenty of us have been in relationships where we felt trapped. Whether by guilt or intimidation or the fear of being alone, most of us know that deep sinking feeling. The kind that we desperately attempt to avoid all day but sneaks it’s way into our brains late at night causing us to ask ourselves, “What am I doing here with this person? Are they worth my time? And why didn’t I see this coming?” And you begin to question your judgment because it isn’t anything close to the relationship you wished for when you were younger and still believed in love. And what’s worse, is when we begin to believe that unhealthy relationships are all we deserve. Maybe he tells you that you are not worthy of love when he’s upset with you. Maybe you feel it when you look around and see the wasted weeks, months, and years you spent waiting for him to “get better.” Or all the times you feel the need to explain to your friends and family by saying, “But you don’t see the good things he does for me!” And I know most of you are thinking, holy shit. How does he know that I have said that? And I will tell you that when that phrase falls from your mouth, it is a red flag that you need to reevaluate your involvement. Because no one ever has to defend a healthy relationship. People are perceptive. They can see the happiness on your face – or the lack thereof. We all give away more clues than we think and when you’re in an unhealthy relationship, it also radiates from your face. Because when someone is attempting to kill your enthusiasm and put sand in your shoes, the world can see it in the dimming glow of your eyes.
Unfortunately, most of us have been there. We stay despite the warnings and despite what our friends and family tell us. We stay because we want to believe there is something still there worth salvaging. Because if he just tried a little bit harder, things would go back to the way they once were. You know, like in the beginning when he would make huge efforts just to see you smile. But he doesn’t do that anymore, does he? And when someone stops caring about your happiness, they almost never go back to how it was. Because people lose respect for you when you lose respect for yourself. And we spend weeks, months, and years doing everything within our power to fight for a lost cause.
But the only way through is out. You need to take back the fire they attempted to steal before it is too late and you end up living in a good-enough relationship, stuck in a circle of perpetual regret. One where you attempt to convince yourself that the life you’re trapped in is what you wanted all along. Manipulators will make you dependent upon their lies. They will convince you that you can’t survive without them. They will trap you with the promise of children or marriage or a future, all to keep you under their control. And the worst part is, this happens every single day somewhere. And people buy in and sell out. They give up their fire for the lie.
But it’s not too late.
And the best way to make sure this never happens to you is to understand that unhealthy people will demand you to change – but people who are good for your soul will encourage you to evolve.