I remember a time when meeting someone who was just as damaged was a bit of a relief. Everyone walking…
In the summer of 2014, I set out to interview cheaters. Men, women, bi, gay, straight, black, white, young, old, doctors, and students. I sent out questionnaires and received over 50 responses. Along with almost 20 in-person interviews, I set out to write a book getting to the core of why and how people are so promiscuous. The responses were shocking. I didn’t feel right putting that kind of alarmist journalism back out into the world, although I gained some valuable insight into the world of infidelity and found that it is rarely as simple as it seems.
Below is an small excerpt from an anonymous interview that I conducted with someone via email. A straight male in his late 20s. He was not compensated and never told me his name.
How does your infidelity impact your relationship? Does it make you closer or father apart?
I remember the first time I cheated on someone. I had been riding the line of what was and was not cheating for years. At first I told myself that cheating was the desire to be sexual with another girl but got to the point where I wast telling myself as long as I didn’t have sex with them it wasn’t actually cheating so when I went down on girls or they gave me a blow job it technically didn’t count because I didn’t fuck them.
I remember being on tour and I had been flirting with this girl all night. She was giving me the eyes and sitting on my lap and the whole bit. I was scared to do anything in front of the rest of the guys because they knew I had a girlfriend back home and most of the guys were even friends with her but they were pushing me and telling me that I should. I think it really helped knowing I had their blessing. The girl and I walked around backstage at the venue until we found what I think was an old closet. We walked in, closed the door, and started messing around. She went down on me but she knew I was going to finish and she stopped me, pulled down her pants, and bent over in front of me. I really didn’t want to do it. To me that was crossing the line into cheating and I had been planning to just get a blow job. I think she could tell that I was going to finish in her mouth so she stopped me because she wanted to fuck. Since she was bent over and pulling me hips into her, I just went for it. I don’t want to say that I didn’t want it, because I did. But if she hadn’t bent over and pulled me into her, I never would have done it.
They say that the first time is always the hardest and it’s totally true. I felt so guilty afterward I made up an excuse that I had shit to settle on the bus and practically ran away. When I got to my bunk, I called my girlfriend and told her how much I loved her. The guilt was eating me alive. My girlfriend kept asking me why I was being so nice and I had to pull back a bit because I guess I was being too obvious. I think she must have known because she told a friend of ours that I had been acting weird on the phone and I had never been that lovey. I cried that night and swore that I would never do it again because I never wanted to feel that kind of guilt ever again. The problem was that I had crossed the line and I knew what it was like so it made it so much easier the next time.
I have cheated on every girlfriend in the past ten years. They all begin completely monogamous but I know how easy it is. Being on tour, there are always girls backstage and there is always at least one or two girls that want a story to bring back to their friends. The only way I know how to not cheat while I’m on the road is when my girlfriend comes out with us. It’s the whole “out of sight, out of mind” thing. She keeps me straight. As long as she’s around, I can be faithful and completely happy. When she’s gone, I can’t help it. It’s like when the girl bent over in front of me. If it is there and they are willing, it’s tough to walk away. I just wish I had never crossed that line because there is no going back. It’s not something I’m proud of and in a perfect world I wouldn’t do it but it’s almost like an addiction. I am never happy after it’s over and it just makes me miss my girlfriend that much more. In some weird way, it almost makes us closer. I fuck some random girl then go back to the bus and call my girlfriend and I can’t wait to get back home to her. The girls I cheat with make me appreciate my girlfriend so much that if you took away the cheating, I probably wouldn’t be so affectionate to my girlfriend. I know how crazy that sounds but it’s true.