I remember a time when meeting someone who was just as damaged was a bit of a relief. Everyone walking…
Every person we encounter is different. Even if there is nothing noticeably unique about their character when we meet them. We are all made up of our experiences and upbringing and environment. Then you have to add in your parents influence or lack thereof. With so many abusive or inattentive or smothering parents in this world, it’s almost impossible to run into two people who behave and respond exactly the same. Which sucks in a way because what we have learned along the way isn’t universal. Often the tactics we used to communicate in our past don’t work on the next person and it feels like we need to start all over again from scratch. It’s like, right when you feel like you have a good grasp on understanding the dynamics of relationships, some jerk comes along, doesn’t play by the rules and ruins everything. And you’re all, hey, what the hell, man. I just spent years trying to figure you jerks out and now I can’t predict any of your behaviors. I mean, why don’t you text me back immediately? All the other guys did. Why aren’t you trying to get in my pants all the time? All the other guys did. Why don’t you ask about my day? I am a damn good story teller. All the guys liked what I had to say.
The worst part about all of this is that after walking away confused, irritated, and frustrated – you find yourself wanting to know why. Like, why isn’t he blowing up my phone? Why doesn’t he see me like every other guy? What does he see that is appealing enough to want to chat with but not in regular intervals? What is wrong with this guy? I need to know more. And that’s when we’re fucked.
Then we spend the next three months or three years in a continuous frustrating loop of attempting to decode this unpredictable behavior. Like why is it that he seems so in love with me then the next minute it seems like he can’t stand me? How can he say that he’s so in love with me so convincingly yet the next night call me every awful name in the book? Why is he so hot and cold? Why can’t he just be the guy that I fell in love with all the time?
It’s in our nature to want to be intrigued with the anomalies. We can’t help but slow down for car crashes, or watch documentaries on medical mysteries, or read books on the incredible experiences of others. And of course that inquisitive nature is going to spill over to our stupid dating life and ruin everything. Especially when we can’t figure them out because it leaves us frustrated. Which leads to anger. Which leads to animosity. Which leads to the inevitable ugly destruction of the relationship.
You’d think it would end with the break-up, right? Nope. Because we are still left with a list of questions that never either were addressed or answered to our satisfaction and then we are cursed to go to sleep with that on our brains for weeks, months, and sometimes years. Like, what the hell was he thinking? I mean, what would drive a human being to treat me like that? Is he doing this to other women out there? I should really get ahold of his exs and we should start a support group, or at the very least, a group text where we can try to get to the bottom of this jerks erratic behavior.
But odds are, you’ll never get the answers you need because most people never get the closure they want. Most of us have to keep going on with life wondering what the hell really happened. Without answers. Without closure. And left questioning our judgment, taste, and intelligence by wondering how the hell we allowed that in to our lives.
So from a guy who has left a handful of confused women in his wake, let me give you a little advice. Don’t date men who don’t, won’t, or refuse to communicate with you effectively. Yes, I know you find him intriguing and wonderful and look how sexy he is – but trust me, if a man doesn’t know how to explain his intentions, desires, or frustrations I guarantee it will leave you discouraged and angry.
Understand your value. Learn what it is that you’re willing to compromise and what you’re not willing to sacrifice. Say it out loud. Write it down. Make shit weird on the first date and tell him over drinks that if he can’t communicate, you won’t give him the opportunity to be taken seriously.
Because at the end of all of this, relationships are about enhancing your life. We have enough roadblocks set in front of us and enough people trying to drag us down already to allow one more person to become an emotional burden sitting on our couch eating all of our food and not knowing how or why to say thank you.