Why No One Needs To Know Your Number

— April 7, 2015

This is an article I published a couple years ago but after some recent conversations, I feel it need to be revisited.

At some point in your life you will meet someone special. You will immerse yourself in daydreams about a future and wonder what a life would be like waking up next to this person every single morning. But first, you will have to navigate those initial massive hurdles of compatibility. As long as you both communicate well, as the relationship progresses, those hurdles should become smaller and smaller. But again, there is an entire pool of bullshit you need to wade through in order to see if this truly is the course you want to sail.

The first week is bullshit.

Meaning, you’re not meeting that real person. Even if they claim, “No, this is me. I don’t front for no one.” Basically means they’re fronting. Smart people don’t need to tell people they’re smart. Dumb people don’t go around telling everyone they’re dumb, and crazy people don’t go around giving everyone a heads up on their craziness. Rule of thumb: never trust someone who is telling you what they are. We are all fairly intelligent people and your actions truly demonstrate your character. Bullshit artists simply convince you to listen to their words to fool you into ignoring their actions.

And now that I think about it, basically the first three months are bullshit.

If you’ve never had a long term relationship you’re probably shaking your head right now. But for those of us that have gone in for the three, four, and five year plus investment – you know exactly what I’m saying. This is the same reason why so many people constant tell their friends, “I just wish it was like it was in the beginning.” And this is that aha! moment where you realize it will never be like that because it was all just a front, devised as a ploy to either get you into bed or their unfortunate idealization of you as the “greatest and more wonderful person of all time OH MY GOD I’M GOING TO HAVE YOUR BABIES AND WE ARE GOING TO LOVE EACH OTHER LIKE THE NOTEBOOK UNTIL WE DIE HOLDING HANDS!”

But I digress. After you pass through the prerequisite hurdles like: Do you want children? Where do you want to live? Are you a racist? Are you violent? Do you love your mother? Are you compassionate? Are you submissive in bed? Can you be monogamous? Do you like to read? Do you enjoy the music of Pink Floyd? Do you consider Harry Potter to be great literature? How do you feel about Hooters hot wings? Do you recycle? Will you wash the dishes? And all the other questions that will give you a good idea of compatibility. After a while one will sneak up on you. It usually happens right before you fall asleep when you are at your most vulnerable, and certainly not in the mood for a fight, so most people just answer the question without any thought of how it can potentially alter your partners emotions. Sadly, the answer is so important in the eyes of the hordes of insecure people out there disguised as level-headed rational potential life-mates, that you might not realize how your response, or how you respond, may change the way they see you forever.

“So how many people have you slept with?”

Let me begin by asking you one question: what benefit could answering this question possibly have to the future of your relationship? Assuming you are a healthy person, what good could possibly come from this question? And let’s be real, the only thought that comes to mind after you state your number is an assumption upon your character. If you say “two”, someone might think that you’re naive or bad in bed. If you say “twelve” someone might think you’re not done exploring your sexuality. If you say “two hundred” someone might assume you have every STD known to man and if you say “two thousand” that you have an inability to commit to monogamy. And unfortunately, far too many women attempt to slut-shame other women based upon their own jealousy. I mean, those are reasonable assumptions someone might make, right? I know, because I have been the target of many of those assumptions and I can tell you that none are accurate. And for those of you who will inevitably respond with, “Well of course you would say this because it works in your favor. I read 4AM Friends.” Well then I would say, even after all that I have zero babies, zero STDs, and I treat people with the respect they have earned.

So no. I don’t tell anyone my number anymore. Why? Because it’s no one’s business but my own. People are going to make assumptions about our character anyway so there is absolutely no reason for any of us to give people more ammunition. Instead, I would hope that those we love would judge us based upon how much we listen, how we regard their feelings, and how we communicate. If I tell you my number, any future assessments of compatibility will inevitably be clouded or influenced by what you are going to assume about me, my penis, and my desire for a healthy relationship. And if you want to judge my character based upon how many times my penis has been inside of a vagina outside of a committed relationship, well then fuck you. You are a small and insecure little kid who has no business attempting to have a grown up relationship.

Truth is, I don’t want to know your number – because I don’t care about your number. What I do care about is how secure you are with yourself as a person, how fun you are in bed, and if you can make me feel loved and appreciated every single day. And that is what is truly most important.

About author

Christopher Gutierrez

Christopher Gutierrez is the author of several books on love, sex, and relationships. He also hosts a weekly podcast, The Deep End, in addition to running Deadxstop Publishing. Since 2006, he has given hundreds of speakings at colleges, coffee houses and universities all over the world.