I remember a time when meeting someone who was just as damaged was a bit of a relief. Everyone walking…
There are few things that give us away more than our subconscious.
Sometimes when I get stuck on writing I just start writing about anything and nothing without stopping. While I’m sure I wasn’t the first to think of this, it was something I do when I feel a drought of creativity. And you would really be surprised at what comes out when you just mash the keys and go back to read what ended up on the screen.
When I look back at the stories I have written in my books I can instantly point out which ones were born out of a caffeine-fueled typing frenzy. Stories I wrote a decade ago expose pain that I never knew was there, all because I wouldn’t allow my fingers to stop. When our conscious brain becomes overwhelmed or stressed, we as a species, tend to look for distractions. Whether it is a phone call to a friend, a television show, a video game, masturbation, online dating – very few people have the courage or tenacity to sit under the spotlight of that weight and just think it out. Because why let the pain in when you can drown it out with drinking, sports, or porn, right?
For as self-aware as I claim to be, I continue to do this on almost an hourly basis. But every now and then, when I’m feeling especially masochistic, I will sit in front of a blank screen and mash it out like an angry run-on crazy person on the street corner purge yelling at everything and nothing. But what I have found particularly interesting are the consistently reoccurring themes. Guilt. Regret. Lost time. These things haunt my subconscious and I do my best to run from them every chance I get but they usually catch up with me when I can’t bring myself to fall asleep at night. Probably like most of you.
I spent a lifetime hiding so well that I convinced myself that I was just fine. Believing those memories didn’t matter and I walked through the world with the feigned confidence of a 21 year old kid in a nightclub. That I was bulletproof and gave zero fucks. But like most people who lie to themselves, the person I hurt the most was myself.
But one of the more surprising subjects that have begun popping up in my punctuationless mad man ramblings is one of leaving people happy. I guess it is one of those things where I know I can’t change my past or the pain that I’ve inflicted on others so in an attempt to atone for my misgivings, I do what I can in the only way I know how. And that is to leave people feeling a little better.
I have never believed in an altruistic world and I am not naive enough to believe that leaving people with a smile doesn’t benefit me. But it also doesn’t make it dishonest. Because while I might not be able to do much, I do my best to throw more good than bad back out into the world – and I have a lot of bad to make up for. And sure, maybe I am motivated by guilt but it’s a positive motivation nonetheless. And when I kiss a woman now, I kiss her like all the rest would have wanted. I hold them longer than they expect and I make sure to tell why and how they make me happy every single day. You know why? Because people need to hear that kind of shit. People need to know they are loved and appreciated and I have wasted the time of far too many women to know what women do not want. And while each woman is unique, I can tell you with absolute certainty, that the one commonality that all women share is that none of them like to feel taken for granted or unappreciated.
So from now on, I do my best to not put that back into the world. I mean, every day you have a choice – you could continue walking around like you don’t give a fuck, or you can actually have the courage to admit that you actually DO give a fuck. Because a real friend, boyfriend, husband, and MAN cares about the feelings of the people he loves. And there are few things more fulfilling than making those people happy. And I can tell you this – by not only treating the love of good women with the respect they have earned but exceeding their expectations, well… it really does help me sleep at night.