I remember a time when meeting someone who was just as damaged was a bit of a relief. Everyone walking…
I know it seems like things are always rough but this time right now might be one of the roughest. I know we always like to exaggerate how difficult life gets but right now, this moment might be one of the worst. And I know that you feel like you want to take the easy way out and that you have to talk your way out of it almost nightly. And I know that this is beginning to wear on you. That talk. That talk you continue to have to have with yourself. And I know that you wonder if there will ever be a day where you don’t think about ending it all. And I know you hope that it sneaks up on you. That it is so organic that you don’t even have to put effort into it. And wouldn’t that be amazing? To not have to try? To just feel good for no reason whatsoever?
I know you don’t want my help but I need you to know that I worry about you. And sure, maybe I’m not constantly blowing up your phone asking you how you’re doing, but that’s intentional. I ask you about your dinner and the bands you went to see and about your bike ride. I ask you anything that will get you to not think about the fact that you lost the love of your life. The love that you fought for so hard. Harder than anyone can possibly imagine. And I was there. I saw the fight. The struggle to keep things together. And yeah, man. I know you didn’t do everything perfect, but you always did what you thought was right. And you fought and scraped and held your tongue in hopes that one day things would go back to normal. The way they were in the beginning. Because if you fought hard enough and sacrificed enough maybe she would have seen that and would go back to being enamored with you. Maybe she would look at you the way she did in the beginning. “Good morning” texts and “I love you”s. Surprise dinners and surprise kisses.
I know you regret a lot. I know you feel like you took so many of the good nights for granted. That you expected them to be like that forever. The nights she wanted to stay awake talking well into the darkness and all you wanted to do was roll over and get a little extra sleep. I know you wish you would have stayed awake. To have had her back then all to yourself. But you couldn’t have known it would end like this. But I know you regret it. I know you think about it and it eats you alive. And I know you would give anything to have those nights back again.
I know you’re beating yourself up. I can tell because you don’t hide it well. And that’s what I’ve always liked about you – your inability to bullshit. Everything is on your face and that’s why you’re my friend because it’s truth. And I want to be there to hold your hand through this but I know that’s not what you need. You just need to know that I would be there for you because this is something you need to do alone. You need to process this on your own time and I would just get in the way by offering advice because to me your relationship is in black and white. I see the disfunction and you don’t like when I point out the flaws of someone you’re still in love with. And that’s not what you need.
I know that you want it to go back to normal. The way it was. I know you just wish all of this would be over. That you are so desperate to not feel like shit every morning when you wake up and every night before you force yourself to sleep. And even though I might know all the details, I don’t know how you feel. I wasn’t there for the good parts. I wasn’t on the couch with you guys the moment you fell in love. I didn’t see the way she ran her fingers down the back of your head while you watched that movie. And I wasn’t there for the nights when she opened up, made herself vulnerable and cried in your arms. I didn’t see how those moments magnetized you to each other. Permanently bonding two people in a moment. No, I didn’t get to see that so how could I ever understand your loss?
But I know I have been there. I know that I have felt loss and that every last person I have walked past today knows that feeling as well. And I know that the world keeps spinning whether we are happy or not. So yes, it hurts. It’s supposed to hurt. If it didn’t, it wasn’t real. And no, I don’t have any magic words that will make this go away but I do know that it is better to have known love and lost than never having those moments at all. So just think of it this way – she taught you how to accept love. She made you feel like you were worthy of love. And while it might not be with her, it will be with someone. I promise.