I remember a time when meeting someone who was just as damaged was a bit of a relief. Everyone walking…
In the summer of 2014, I set out to interview cheaters. Men, women, bi, gay, straight, black, white, young, old, doctors, and students. I sent out questionnaires and received over 50 responses along with almost 20 in-person interviews. I set out to write a book getting to the core of why and how people are so promiscuous. The responses were shocking. I didn’t feel right putting that kind of alarmist journalism back out into the world, although I gained some valuable insight into the world of infidelity and found that it is rarely as simple as it seems.
Below is an small excerpt from an anonymous interview that I conducted with someone via email. A bisexual woman in her early 30s. She was not compensated and never told me her name.
Do you feel that people are only as faithful as their options?
I hope not. When I was in high school, I was considered to be a ugly duckling. No one wrote me sweet love letters and no one had crushes on me that I knew of. I just kind of blended in with the walls. I had a few good friends but most of the time I never got any kind of attention from anyone in a sexual capacity. It wasn’t until I was in college that guys paid attention to me and that was usually when they were drunk and we were at a party. I indulged like most kids and I slept with quite a few guys. I guess I just liked the attention that I was finally getting. The guys never texted back that much. Usually only when they were drunk as a late night booty call. I was fine with that and I let it happen and I got out of it as much as I needed at that time. My third year, I experimented with women. I got drunk at another party and this girl, who I ended up dating for a while, came up to me and asked me if she could kiss me. I was startled and I kind of laughed and said sure so she did. At the time, I had never met someone so confident. She just came up to me out of the blue and had her tongue down my throat after about 10 seconds. I think it was the first time I fell in love. We dated for a few months but I didn’t want to tell anyone because I went to a small conservative school and I didn’t want anyone to know that I was bi. She didn’t like all the sneaking around so she ended it and it crushed me.
I went back to the promiscuous sex almost immediately. I loved the attention, even if it was mostly from drunk guys. They were confident like she was and I always had a tough time walking away from someone who was really into me. There is something really sexy about someone who won’t take no for an answer. Not like in a sexual assault kind of way but it speaks to my submissive nature. I love really domiant men and women. Even if I don’t find them that attractive, if they just come up to me and are really confident and just tell me how attracted they are to me, it makes it really hot to me.
Now that I’m older and have had a few long term relationships, I have always ended up cheating and it has always been with someone who was really confident usually at a bar. When I go out and someone approaches me and they are attractive, I have no power to walk away. So when you ask if people are only as faithful as their options, I don’t know how to answer. I want to stay faithful. I have never gone out of my way to try and cheat on someone I was dating but if I’m out and someone comes up to me I never discourage it. I am so taken by confidence that I don’t know if I will ever have it in me to say no. I just get so wrapped up in the moment and all I can think of is fucking the shit out of them. I always feel guilty afterward but it has happened so many times that I think I’m just numb to it. The only way I can be faithful is to have my boyfriend around me all the time. When he’s around I don’t even think about cheating. The only time it happens is when I’m out by myself or with friends and someone approaches me. I never go looking for it.
I don’t want to be like this but I can’t imagine being able to say no. I know it’s not fair to my relationships but I can’t fight this feeling, it is too overpowering. I just feel like this is a disease I have to live with forever.