Spite Is A Cancer

Spite Is A Cancer

First, I want to begin by apologizing for my lack of articles. This past week was one of the most stressful and intense weeks I have had in a long time and I simply didn’t have the time to sit down and produce the kind of content I would have been proud to host. Sometimes life hands you a shit sandwich and it takes a little while to clean up. That said, the older I get, the more I have begun to see how each and every tough or dark moment makes us a little stronger.

People often talk about living through the tough times, but what they never really expand upon is what that truly means. Anyone can stand still and wait for the storm to pass, but it is how you took it on the chin and what you took away from the storm that matters. Just because you made it through the tough times isn’t enough if the way you see the world simply goes back to normal. You should be tempered. More informed. Understanding. So that the next time the inevitable storm comes rolling through you are better prepared. We shouldn’t congratulate people for getting old. We should congratulate them for how they lived and what they gave back.

We all mess up along the way. Every last one of us is guilty of not giving the respect and care we should have. Some of us are liars, cheaters, insincere – but that doesn’t make us bad people. It simply means that we are human and it would be cool if we took something away from the hurt we have caused. Otherwise, we just end up old and worthless. And no one should throw a party for selfish assholes who never learned their lesson.

Relationships will always be messy. I don’t know what you’ve been through and I don’t know how many dragons you need to fight along the way. All of that impacts your levels of tolerance and ability to emotionally connect with another human being. Sometimes the fights will be your fault. Sometimes it will be their fault. But most of the time it will be a combination of the two and just because they are wrong shouldn’t force your mouth to make things even worse.

Let me put it to you like this – how many of you have written a shitty email or text message or screamed low-blows to someone you have claimed to love? How many of you have said awful and offensive things to your partner only to regret them later on? I would fathom to say probably the overwhelming majority of us. And yeah, in that moment it seems right. You think, well, they hit first so I have the right to say whatever I like because fuck them. I know, because I have been there. And when I typed those words or screamed those insults, I thought of their most vulnerable insecurities and went for the throat. And it felt good… for a few minutes. Because if you have ever been truly in love with someone, you know that no one can make you more upset than the person who is irresponsible with your trust and love. There is no deeper betrayal than when the person you trusted the most ends up deserving it the least. So the venomous words seem justified. They feel like justice. And sure, I have been immature enough to know the slight twinge of satisfaction in revenge. But I am self-aware enough to know that feeling is fleeting because anyone who takes any long-term pleasure in knowing they crushed the spirit of another person is a depressing and disgusting person who never deserved love in the first place.

Sending the email or text or having the conversation about how upset you are is healthy. Screaming, “I never loved you and you are a whore!” Is not and it never makes anything better, for them and more importantly, for you. Now I’m not saying you should continue to give respect to people who have disrespected you. But spite is a cancer that eats away at our soul and prevents our happiness. Someone wrecks your trust, okay. Fine. Bye. Because there are few things more effective at showing your disapproval and unhappiness than to cut all ties and go radio silent. Screaming back at your ex doesn’t help your happiness and it certainly doesn’t heal wounds. But being away from them, blocking communication, and ignoring them gives you the space to see the wonderful people around you and opens up so much more space in your heart.

Give yourself the opportunity to be happy.
But don’t think you’re going to get there at the expense of another person.

About author

Christopher Gutierrez

Christopher Gutierrez is the author of several books on love, sex, and relationships. He also hosts a weekly podcast, The Deep End, in addition to running Deadxstop Publishing. Since 2006, he has given hundreds of speakings at colleges, coffee houses and universities all over the world.

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